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【敲打天堂之门-完结】

十月三日,凌晨,2:32。听《七里香》(写这3个字时,刚好唱到七里香三字,哈哈……)。发了个短信对方未回,大概已睡。

除了哥哥,该回来的都已回来。玩儿一晚上豪爽的rpg,一直剥削Lucky的劳动成果,到家之后,继续着《蔷薇岛屿》。想想,仍是热爱安妮的记叙。同样是描述生活。某个评论家说小四,在絮絮叨叨地披露自己的生活中,丧失灵性;而安妮的文字还是寂寞和矫情的样子。她记叙,但不披露,一切隐约似见。

这篇文,应该已经起过4个头,包括现在的,还有那些无法继续下去的。我想尽量自然地引入命中注定这一概念,免得引起太多人的反感,却发现那根本不是我的风格。我本身就是一个突兀的人,我永远不可能是站在一群人中的那一个。所以我极端,别人对我的态度也极端。不是骄傲,不是刻意特立独行,只是不喜欢。而那些没有结束的开始,我们把它们忘却吧……

《敲打天堂之门》。我仍然无法理会那首歌词之意,而我么阐述的只是我个人的理解,对于EVA中人物的理解。

 

 和小志逛一早上街,中午不吃饭,坐在空荡荡的咖啡馆里喝咖啡,cappuccino。香甜浓郁。我想起我几近苍白的微笑,远远达不到香甜浓郁的标准。而渚熏的微笑,是如我这样的俗人女子无法抵挡的。也不香甜浓郁,也不是心中畅快自然发出的微笑,大概是对于什么的一种表示欣赏的微笑。那东西,也许是幸福,也许是生命。或者其他什么,人类的悲欢离合?

 

正午,阳光只有些许。我与小志坐在角落。我讨厌的装璜设计,唯有墙纸让我看着稍微舒服。米黄色,细长条上不规则地镶嵌着规则的菱形方块。

说了很多话,我已开始忘却。记得最深一句:我不会面对。我们说同样的话,喝同样的咖啡。

说到生命这个词的时候,落地玻璃外走过一个孕妇。

我们谈自己的父亲,学校的生活,高考后报考志愿,物理学和神学,电脑以及手机,还有父母的期望。很多事情,不论你是否知道结果,都要试试,这样才会得到切实的结果。定数,不是每个人都参得透。小学三年级的时候,我就懂得这个道理。而今天,让我确定了很多事情。好的一方面是我终于跳出自己的构想,不用再按照想象中的路线走下去;坏的一面则是,我将继续受煎熬,也将越陷越深。此刻,顿悟所谓的命中注定是怎么一回事,如4inlove的哪首歌。

 

Lucky说的,我做什么都靠感觉。没办法,追求感觉是我一生难逃的命运。而Kaoru的则是微笑面对死亡。想念起第一眼看到Lucky时的感觉,不是怦然心动,我也早过了少女怀春的年龄。很多东西和念头只是在你脑海中闪耀一下,随即消失。不论你相不相信,这一切都是事实。而在随后的时间里,证明了我那些一闪而过的念头。而哥哥,当时叫他哥,因为觉得他像我哥的感觉(我没有哥哥)。而事实证明我和他如同一个模子做出来的成品。很多很多的事情让我坚信着彼此不过是一群被命运掌控着的人们。EVA里的每一个人同样如此。

像Avril的唱腔,淡然无比。

我们如此生活着,天堂在前方。何必惧怕。

许多东西你不知如何面对,可仍然要面对;何必惧怕,天堂在前方。

 

家里空荡荡毫无一人,如果不算我。哈哈……粉色的墙面在重修整之后变成雪白,整片整片的白。许多想要知道的事情,依然无法知晓。桦问起Lucky的电话,我会不知所措。我不知我还有多少气力支持我的承诺,也不知道那个人是否知道我有多不想他受伤害。

我又想起Kaoru的笑,永远平静的样子。

Kaoru不在身边,UE游移在网络尽头,萧也迷失在人群之中。其他人也不知道会用什么方式离开我。那个笑却可以紧记心中,很多事情,无可避免。

天堂在前方。

 

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